I logged on to vent about my knee what seems like months ago now, even though it was probably only two weeks. And in the time since all I've truly done is wallow in an episode of depression. I think it's pretty safe to say that I have never, ever felt so incapacitated by this illness in my entire life. I stayed up til dawn to hit the point of passing out just so I wouldn't have to listen to myself as I tried to sleep. And then I consequently slept late into the day and then just couldn't, or wouldn't, get out of bed for hours. And I no longer left the house. I hid in my bedroom, often with my head in a book again just to drown out my own thoughts. All my feelings became wrong. Where there should have been vibrant emotional reactions there were either none or the feelings were so muted I may as well have not been experiencing them. I have become quite vacant in many ways. Sometimes when in company I will refuse to meet people's eyes, look anywhere but them and stare vacantly. Or I'll just stare vacantly at a wall. It's taken a long time for me to be able to form a coherent insight into my internal struggle and the period in which I had no words was the most frustrating of all.
The lack of words led me to become significantly disinterested in people. If you're seeking my company for the sake of company and to have a good time, great, we can be friends for life. But the moment 98% of people ask me to account for anything I'm feeling I'm done with you. I fear that I have begun to alienate people in this manner and worse still is recognising that I'm not even sorry about it. I am making no move to repair damage, I have no interest in it. I just don't seem to care anymore. Frequently now I read messages from people and just want them to stop talking. I feel myself becoming an awful, terrible person and I'm powerless to change it. And on some level I don't even want to.
Which is even stranger still when you consider that my mood spikes infinitely when I'm busy and being handed a purpose. Saturday through Thursday I was hit with a sudden bout of life motivation and the sole reason for that motivation was a line up of activities I had been anticipating. But now with that purposelessness setting back in, I'm muted once again. And again I'm concerned for me.
In my last post I finally made the connection about my depression being very much chemical based. This delayed observation came about after a thorough examination of my moods during my period cycle. I think there is something very wrong with my hormones because nothing works as it should. My periods are invariably late and invariably unpredictable, ridiculous at my age, and instead of being emotionally unstable while on them I find that I am actually incredibly stable, happy even. I truly believe that a lot of problems could be solved by regulating my hormones and creating consistency in my cycle. But of course, my heart won't allow such interference, and I don't see what other options I have. And my concerns about my cycle and how it's unpredictable and how I only sometimes have cramps and how sometimes it's not heavy and sometimes it is and how my cycle can go from anywhere between 24 and 34 days open up this whole other can of worms and I'm not even remotely prepared nor interested in looking into it. Again this is a problem I'm sure the pill could help remedy but once again... I'm tired of being medically special.
If ever there was a time for me to seek the help of a professional, this is it. But something is stopping me and I'm not sure what it is. How bad can I let it get before I do something?
This constant fight with myself is exhausting,
- Sky
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