After the anger...

I know you don’t want to rehash any of this anymore. And I don’t want to rehash it either. But I also know that for us to function as friends that I need to be heard. So I’m not looking for a response of any kind, I don’t need one. I just need you to hear me, for my own sake. Because I have afforded you that much at every corner and I just don’t feel like that respect has been tantamount. And that much I do need. Because I know I deserve it. So I hope you’ll be able to hear me now, and try to understand me instead of reacting instinctively, that you can afford me that much respect.

I talk to our friends and my friends about you and I (and please understand that it was an ‘us’ not a ‘you’) because I need advice. I’m trying to understand that that may be a foreign concept for you and that may be why it riles you up so much, but you must understand that I need to bounce things off other people. I am not a pit of knowledge. I know quite a bit, but in the grand scheme of things, my knowledge is limited. And when I find my knowledge and wisdom limited, I seek that of those around me. And I’m genuinely very sorry that you feel vilified. But let me assure you that you have not been, because no one hates you. There is a resonating concurrence that you have been both a dick and a prick and many other things, but no one – much less I – hates you. And, at the end of the day, how can I incite in others an emotion I do not feel? From where I’m sitting though, I have been led on, I have been strung along, so I can’t help that that alone makes you look the way you do, regardless of what you thought you were doing. In this same way I can’t help it if you feel unheard. At the end of the day, you’ve chosen to remain that way. You haven’t sought out anyone to express yourself. And I’m led to believe that that is something you wouldn’t do, but if that is indeed the way it is, then you forfeit the right to be offended when our friends are hearing me instead of you.

You pertain to know me. And I suppose the simply reality here is that you don’t. So yes, instances where you abuse the small amount of trust I afforded you (e.g. the balcony) do offend me. I can’t help that. Because when you do things like that, I feel fundamentally wronged right down to the very core of my being. I can help you try to understand me better, I can share with you more of the picture, if not all of the picture, if you’d like. But as it is now, you don’t know me at all really. And Friday night was an addition to other things I’ve noticed. Like when you try to fit me into the mould of all the other girls you’ve been with. I find it incredibly affronting that you should assume that I would be so readily emotionally dependent on anyone. That is simply not in my makeup, I have been conditioned to behave in the opposite manner. But I guess all of this is null and void when we do not fundamentally know each other.

I didn’t engage you on Sunday because I was exhausted. I was just beyond it. But I found you very trying and my indelible sarcasm did indeed rear its ugly head in the end. But it wasn’t until a day or so later that I was hit with the emotional backlash. And not just from the weekend, but from everything. One of my great talents is ignoring my feelings - I can delay a response for weeks. And with you I have done exactly that, because there have been other things that are far more pressing than you. But the other day I did get angry, and I was angry for a couple of days. I managed to rage about the entire situation for forty-five minutes to my gym partner on the treadmill the other day is how angry I was. And it was bound to happen, because in all and actual honestly, I feel like I’ve been treated very poorly. Because to me, it seems I’ve asked very little – if anything – of you, and I’ve received nothing but crap in return. I’ve received blame, I've received assumptions, I’ve received accusations and I’ve received some abuse, and I’ve received very little with regard to explanations and understanding. And I feel this very deep need to understand things sometimes, because so many things in my world are beyond explanation. And finally, I’ve had limited opportunity to air how I feel. And I have heard you; time and time again I have heard you. But have you ever heard me?

I had a very long chat with someone last night, and they offered me a very different, but nonetheless invaluable, insight into a character not so different from yours, I believe. They have strung people along themselves in the hope that they might eventually find themselves ready to commit to the person in question, only to find that it can only end in one, painful way. If that is you, or something like you, then okay. If it’s something else, then that’s okay too. I’m not here to fight you, that’s not what I want. At the end of the day I just want you to know that I am, above all else, hurt and fundamentally disappointed. I was warned time and time again that you were exactly the person you’ve turned out to be, and yet I wanted so badly to afford you the benefit of the doubt. So I guess I’m sorry for both of us that it panned out this way. The only thing I really can’t account for is what you ever wanted from me. 

Weighty Issues

Current weight: 76.5kg

A common thread throughout my blogging has been my infernal struggle with my weight. Now, my rational self fully acknowledges that I am not super fat. But, there is certainly excess weight. And I'm just so far from okay with this this that it has manifested into a terrible obsession.

In 2009, I weighed in at a glorious 65kg. I loved that, it was awesome. But I worry that to get there I was bordering on eating disorder territory. Because the reality of that time, and I do not talk about this, was that I just wasn't eating. I would eat nothing all day. Then I would go home and eat dinner. I would eat dinner because my Mum is big on everyone eating dinner at the dining room table together and I didn't want them to know that I wasn't eating. So I ate dinner, and nothing more. And this went on for awhile, and in six weeks I lost seven kilos. And I loved it. It was dangerous, but I think for the first time I really properly liked my body. And because of that, 65kg has become the golden number. Though I know it simply cannot be again, because I cannot starve myself.

After the glory year, I had a weight range that saw me weigh in between 67kg and 73kg. And I remained in that range for about two years. It amuses me greatly to look back at that time and know how much hate seeing 73kg on the scales instilled in me. I couldn't deal with it. I felt stupid, but I couldn't deal with it. If I couldn't have 65kg, I was going to have 70kg. It consumed me. It still consumes me to this day.

So you can imagine my utter horror at helplessly watching my weight balloon out to 83kg while I was taking roaccutane. I was powerless to change it. I was utterly depressed and for the first time in my life I comfort ate. For years, when I was depressed I denied myself food, but not now, not anymore. I just wanted to eat. So I did. And I hated myself, I hated myself so much. I had to quit my highly physical job and I was in so much pain I couldn't do any exercise. I just stacked the weight on. I stopped fitting into my clothes, I cried a lot, I willed myself to die. Not just over the weight, but it was certainly a part of it.

I am fixated. I am totally and utterly fixated on my weight. I don't fully understand my fixation, but I can take a few guesses. The things that happen to me are just completely out of my control, and I guess that my weight is mostly under my control, and so I control it as best I can. I also just really want to be able to love myself. And I sort of found that happiness at 65-70kg. And everyone says that I won't be happy if I lose weight, but I really beg to differ. I really do.

So I'm having a serious go at losing weight, getting fit and even toning up. It's going to happen, I can do this. At the start of this year I was calorie counting and exercising and I became obsessed with it. I felt guilty if I ate too much, I felt guilty if I didn't exercise, I felt bad when I ate the wrong foods. And I started to lose weight, it was working. But then I went on a holiday and fell out of touch with that habit and it ended. But that was made okay when I started that job, because the weight literally fell off me. And I was so busy I didn't have time to eat a lot and dinner became my main meal.

But I know I can do this, I am utterly dedicated. I will have the body I want. I will like it, I may even love it. I will be 70kg again, maybe even less.

- Sky

It all ends the same way

It's nearly 1am and I should be in bed. Because I joined a gym this week and started getting out of bed while it was still morning. Except I was still going to bed in the early hours of that morning. So my hours of sleep have been suffering. And yet I cannot sleep earlier. And I'm going to a horse show tomorrow and I'm getting up before 7am and it's nearly 1am and I should be in bed because truly I am exhausted.

I did not have any alcohol for a whole week until today. And at first I didn't miss it, but then I did and then I got mildly drunk tonight and I remembered why I drink and I swear that I do not have a drinking problem. I function fine without alcohol, I really do. It just drives me up, makes me a happy and confident person. Someone you'd want to be around. Someone I'd want to be around. I wish I was that happy and vivacious person all the time. Me on a normal day starts out okay and slowly falls away, and suddenly it's 2am and I'm experiencing a range of sad and hateful emotions, mostly directed at myself.

And so I look at me, and I ask myself what my deal is. Why do I fight me, why do I hurt me, why do I hate me? And it seems to simply be that it's being me. Because being me has left me so existentially screwed up. I have battled hard for so many years and that struggle just doesn't end. And it just makes me wonder why I do anything anymore.

So maybe I'll stop getting out of bed while it's still morning. Because it really doesn't matter when my day starts.

I just feel really awful right now. Like, the sudden low that's enveloping me just came out of nowhere. I was driving today through the countryside and stopping intermittently to take photos (because sometimes the landscape blows me away) and I was happy, I was free. But now its 1am and I don't feel that anymore. It's just another day like all the others where I end up alone and unhappy, waiting for some happy ending I'm sure isn't coming. Talking myself out of cutting while knowing it's an eight out of ten chance of happening anyway. Vaguely hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, while knowing it'll end the same way.

- Sky

A month long plummet

I've had a very emotionally challenging month since the point at which my knee became inexplicably injured.

I ended up taking two weeks sick leave from my job, waiting and hoping for a miraculous recovery. But as with most of my problems, no such recovery happened. When I stayed off the joint, the swelling and pain reduced. But as soon as I got up and about again, the swelling and pain returned. So I had to call it quits on the job, because it became more than apparent to me that the joint was not going to heal to a point at which I would be physically capable of the work again.

This was very confronting for me. On nearly every level I needed to leave that job. It was destroying me physically and mentally. I functioned on 3-4hrs of sleep every day, my social life was questionable, my body hated me, the job itself made me so angry. So I resolved to finish up on November 15th, I wanted to see out the spring. The selected finishing date would allow me to be around for a lot of the things I wanted to be around in that job for. But, as with most things concerning myself, it did not end that way and I resigned on the 23rd of September. And for the last couple of weeks, I've simply floated around in disbelief. I've had to watch things I should have been there for, and been a part of, happen without me. I've watched people I was close to go on without me. It's been really hard. And all I have to show for my hard six months in that job is a swollen and sore knee.

On my list visit to the doctors, following diagnostic scans, I was told that he didn't know why my knee was doing this. I just laughed at him, I think he was scared. You can't make up the things that happen to me sometimes. It just can not be fiction. And once again I have a medical problem that cannot be explained and as a result cannot really be treated. So I'm just floating around vaguely hoping the joint will just get better, while really hoping I just adjust to the fluid and pain quickly so I can get on with my life as best I can.

In my second week of sick leave, I took up an attitude that was a mix between 'fuck it' and 'yolo'. I started being extremely social and I started drinking again. Three day benders are now a thing I just do. And while that behaviour has made the last couple of weeks much more bearable, they have also made me emotionally retarded. I just didn't feel the things I needed to feel and I didn't deal with the things I needed to deal with. I found more things to do, I didn't go home for a week, I kept drinking and socialising and driving places and just basically doing anything I could to ensure I was busy and emotionally unreachable.

And I forced the hand of the boy who'd been stringing me along for the past two months on Thursday. I just got tired of his games so I made him draw a line and choose, were we friends or were we more. I mean, I know I come across all hardcore, but I am a human and I have feelings. He decided friends, in an intensely egotistical and pretentious manner that does not endear him to me. And it only served to show me that he has me pegged all wrong. It's like he thinks all women are the same, as a result of being tied up with a string of girls previously who have all, essentially, been the same. He expected me to be overtly attached to him and he just doesn't know me at all. So his thinking sort of offended me, in that regard. That he doesn't realise how seamlessly I have cut people out of my life these days. And that despite knowing me, and really knowing me, he can't see that I don't (and can't) rely on people emotionally (or otherwise) like that. There's so much more I could discuss but it's worthy of a post in itself. He said that he can't do a relationship and that what was going on between us was already too 'relationshippy' for him. So as such, I'm going to withdraw. I'm taking the 'radio silence unless spoken to' approach. Let him miss me. Being vindictive does indeed cheer me some.

But today I just lost it, a bit. I was supposed to go out and see one of my best mates as he's leaving the country for a couple of years shortly and this day had been in the plans for about a month, but after the month I've had, and especially the last week I just could not bring myself to leave the house. I felt so guilty, I still feel so guilty. He rang me at some point during the afternoon - just after I watched one of 'my' old horses finish second in a group one, so bittersweet - and I nearly started crying while I was on the phone to him. I did meltdown completely after I hung up. Just lay on my bed in the pile of self pity and it was pretty pathetic really. It was just this moment in which I was emotionally hit with everything I'd been suppressing and it was not a lot of fun. The message here is don't drink so much, but I know that this won't stop me.

It's just that it's October now, and I was promised for years and years and years that things would get better for me post-school. And I guess I'm still coming to terms with the fact that that's been a lie. This whole year has been so topsy-turvy and just the last month has been very trying. I think about cutting myself a lot and while the god awful period where it was a multiple times a day habit has passed (for now, it's always a for now), I think about it a lot. I don't know whether this will end with another cycle or just the odd cut. I just don't know right now.

Usually I round up these posts fairly well, but I'm just beyond words right in this moment.

- Sky