Forgot to add a title... Still have nothing

Confession #11 I feel better after every cut.

Sad truth.

I'm so tired and so looking forward to the holidays, not that it will be much a holiday with work and all that.

I'm such a terrible blogger, it's taken me an hour to write this much. Got sidetracked by this (very funny, I recommend reading)

But really, because my attention span is SHIT and I really want to write this I'm going to dot point it [step back everyone this could get crazy]


- Saw the lung man
- Ran the second EST complete with ECG
- Was breathing like a smoker and my ECG indicated something nasty
- Have to wait til 26th July to hear verdict
- Meanwhile have face full of acne from having no drugs
- Mum's trying to veto netball
- Knee is fucked
- Face planted twice
- Passed exams
- Passed Texts and Traditions 3
- Had a mental breakdown
- Cut waaaaaaay too deep
- Cut again anyway
- Felt better
- Feel like shit again anyway
- Probably do it again
- Have an infection that isn't an infection

So, now that I've bulleted it and Facebook is "temporarily" unavailable I may have to discuss my inner workings in regards to a few of the more serious issues on my list: The lung man: aka the Pulmonologist

So I did his exercise stress test (EST) and echo cardiogram (ECG) and I've realised that I really am far too unfit and happily for me, not through any fault of my own. So, my lungs and/or heart is/are not very happy. And the fact that all this came up after I finished the meds... not so good, I don't think. But you know, I don't really know that because I'm not a doctor which makes waiting until July 26th a real pain in the arse. Why? Because now I know nothing and it's all really just very uncertain. And I hate not knowing. I'm going to be kind of annoying if I land myself back in the cardio's office, because you know, I just want to be done with it all and just be perfectly normal, happy and healthy.

Haha.

Normal.

Happy.

Healthy.

Three things which I will never be. Which is unfortunate, I think. Maybe not for the happy people because I seem to have stolen all their bad times from them... Lucky me. Lucky, lucky me.

So, I'm perfectly addicted to cutting. Perfectly unaddicted to life. I think that about sums up the point of this post.

- Sky

Confessions pt1

Confession #1: I have found a better tool for cutting.

Confession #2: I am addicted to cutting.

Confession #3: I feel that every time I get close to Mum I manage to fuck it up.

Confession #4: I feel that every time I get close to people they end up leaving.

Confession #5: I actually enjoy cutting.

Confession #6: I'm somewhere between thinking I'm "fat" and knowing that my brain is shit talking, again.

Confession #7: I'm scared because I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I don't know whether it will be life changing or minute. And that scares me because I'm so sick of life changing surprise, that inevitably threaten to kill me one way or another, that I could just go ahead and do it myself to save everyone the slow, long, painful elongated process.

Confession #8: I don't know who I am anymore or where I stand with anyone.

Confession #9: I don't even know why I'm writing this.

Confession #10: I don't like it when you talk to people about the monumental things in your life that are killing you on the inside and they say nothing.

I'm sure there will be more to come in later posts. I'm feeling quite tired and spent right now and everything is just a little bit fuzzy and I'd kill for a holiday, but you know, I go to school and even though I just did exams, there is absolutely no chance of that, which is just far too high and expectation and very, very cruel and I'm very upset and I don't think I can cop another two weeks of school with their expectations of work ethic and high standard of work because I can't be bothered and I don't care anymore I just want to sleep and pretend that the real world doesn't exist anymore because I can't be bothered partaking in it any longer because it's all a bunch of painful experiences that I haven't learnt much, if anything, from and if I am learning anything it's to treat life and the people in it with absolute contempt and I'm fairly sure that that is not the lesson life should be teaching me but there you go, life's just a bitch like that and I feel like I get to say that because for as long as I can remember it's done nothing good to me, everything I had turned to shit and I have no doubt that the things I have now will turn to shit if they're not already crumbling at the present time and if they are and I haven't noticed yet, then I'm realising that I'm actually a really stupid person and stupidity will kill me in the end, if the doctors and their drugs don't get me first or I don't get me first not that I'm contemplating that, or am I, because I really don't know, I don't know what I want or where I'm going or how things went downhill so badly or why all this is happening and it really doesn't help to know that no one can give me on good god damned reason that explains all of this, everyone's just so wishy washy and let me tell you right now that being wishy washy with me is not helping my mental state, especially when each fucking day brings me that little bit closer to self destruction because I swear to god if they find one more thing wrong with me I might actually explode and no one wants that, you may think you do if you're one of those people who hate me, but rest assured this may actually happen and while on the subject of people who hate me: I don't care, so fuck you and fuck all your mates, I'm not interested in your bullshit, so go play your games with people who care because I don't have time for your crap in my life at the moment when it's so chock full of everyone else's shit on top of mine and it's really, really hard to deal with all this and I don't even know what I'm going to do about anything anymore because my thought processes have become that retarded that they're just not helping me out at all and I don't understand why I couldn't have just been a normal person whose biggest problem is that my nail just chipped, because if that was my biggest problem, then I would be loving life and possibly worshiping it, but in my current state I have nothing but contempt for this hazardous construction they like to call a life.

I feel like you deserve a prize for reading that paragraph, because right now I'm not game to read it, especially because it's just a stream of nonsensical thought that just came gushing out as I started explaining that there would be more confessions.

You're not getting a prize. But if you want a high five, I can do that. Or I could organise some virtual cookies. I don't know. I'm getting severely off track here.

I think this whole post has been a severe waste of time, I mean, it started out with the best possible intentions but then WHAM and the whole thing is just... wow.

But rather than delete all this I'm going to post it anyway, so if you're still reading my crap right now at this sentence, then congratulations, but you're not getting a prize.

- Sky

I realise it has been quite some time

I was consistently weighing in at 73-75kg, and you know what, I cared but I didn't. I cared but I certainly did not care enough to do anything about it. So this is why the exam period has been a blessing. I do not have scheduled meal times, I thus do not eat as frequently and I just weighed in at 71kg.

I also saw the lung guy (and by guy I mean specialist) (and by specialist I mean pulmonologist). He was quite cool for a doctor. Unfortunately I now have to run another exercise stress test, except this time it's not running I'm cycling and I have to have an x-ray of my lungs. the x-ray is a piece of cake, but the exercise stress test, I'm not looking forward to that. I don't know which outcome I want, to be honest. But we shall wait and see, next Thursday's the day.

Exams have been a pretty relaxed couple of weeks. I have spent more time out of school than I have in and it's been pretty good. Plenty of sleeping, reading and no stress. So overall I think my mood has balanced out. I was genuinely okay with everything. Exam alleviated the school based stress. Everyone tried to tell me that exams were stressing me out and that was definitely not the case. I have never stressed about something so trivial and I never will.

The thing is though, with all this lung business, that all my acne is coming back, now that it's not being regulated by the meds I love to hate. I understand that I could have potentially killed myself by taking them, but I feel like I'm dying anyway by not taking them. It's killing me to see a new one every morning, which, just three weeks ago did not exist. They told me a long  time ago, that this would have relented well and truly by now. But they lied. Surprise, surprise.

The other thing is that Blake turned up, out of the blue, on MSN last night. And as much as I was glad I also got thrown way off balance. I think I had finally accepted that that was it and then he just appears out of nowhere and I just don't know now.

It's really not okay, any of it.

I even re-aggravated that frustrating left ACL of mine. And just so it could show me how pissed off it is with me, it gave out this morning when I got out of bed and yep, I face planted.

- Sky