The last five and a half weeks have seen me sleep deprived and angry because of it. It's been interesting to see that it was the sleep deprivation all along that made me angry and not my old job. Any vented frustrations or problems I seemed to be having their could almost certainly be attributed to my state of sleep deprivation. I'm seeing nearly the exact same patterns - to the less extreme - here. Uni has been interesting and I think I'm handling it okay at the same time that I am not handling it all. I'm not wholly convinced I like it and I feel like I don't fit in. Things I worry less about include the impending death of a relative doing his last battle with late stage pancreatic cancer and the tenuous family situation that seems to be forever ongoing. Sometimes I feel like my emotional priorities are a little backwards. Particularly when presiding even over my uni concerns (my most common reason for being near tears) is my ongoing obsession with my weight and the continuing warped perceptions I have of my body.
I've skirted around the edges of this depressive spell for weeks. I waited for it to come for a long time, but the mandatory time for being more severely depressed (comparative to the remainder of time) came and went and I didn't for a moment think it wouldn't come but I'm still a little rocked all the same. I think it was held off so long by a sudden improvement in the condition of my knee (very short lived) that led to an increase in exercise that made me fly. But with the regression of condition came with it the depressive state and instead of being just angry, as I am want to do, I find myself genuinely sad.
I always get a little scared when I have these sad spells. They're more difficult than being low and quite a lot more aggressive than usual. Usually when they come around they hang around and end in a complete disruption to my life. I've never felt more alone in a place as big as my university then I have this week. I just feel lost and this great need to cry the many tears that always threaten but never come. It is clear to me that I need to sleep a lot more than I do but in order to balance my life in other ways that has become impossible.
So all I can really do now is wait for this to pass. And it will. As always I just have to remind myself of that fact.
