1. Today I was told that I don't tell people that I like them. And I feel like it shouldn't matter this much, but today has not been the same since this was said. And I'm sure it was in jest, but I can't help but feel numb. And I'm sitting here feeling pretty bad and trying not to cry and it's because I'm fairly certain that I just don't say these things. I'm just thinking about it and I must be a bad person.
2. There are lots of people I like, but I guess I can't articulate just how much I appreciate them. I think I'm scared. But I'm not sure what of. People have a nasty habit of leaving me so maybe I'm trying to protect myself from further harm by keeping these particular cards close to my chest. I don't really know. There's someone I like quite a lot who doesn't talk to me much anymore. I asked them a few weeks ago if we were drifting apart and they said they were just busy. But I think we are drifting apart, or have. It just hasn't been the same for a long time now.
3. People must think I don't like them because I choose the company of myself a lot of the time now. I don't know why it is that I do this, but it's not because I don't like people as such. I'm just finding larger groups irritating and hard to deal with at the moment. It's not that I particularly enjoy the company of myself, or even that I like my own thoughts - because I don't - I just don't want to have to think, or take in any more problems because I'm drowning in everything I've already got.
4. I don't want to move house. Aside from just generally hating change, I've lived in this house for seventeen of my eighteen years. I realise now that much of my comfort is derived from feeling safe within these walls and it's going to be extremely different when we leave. I like living here. I like the wildlife and I suddenly like that my room gets oven hot in summer because our house is brick and my room faces west.
5. I started cutting, yet again. Though I am restricted to only when my family isn't at home. I can't afford to be caught in the act. I want to feel things, because I'm lost in sadness or no feeling at all. I want to prove that I'm real because sometimes I worry that I might be a paper person in her paper world. I want to be happy, even though I know cutting won't ever give me that.
6. I really miss you and how things were. And it hurts me that you chose her. Everyone chooses her. She's exciting and I'm depressed and boring. I don't deserve friends. Even you realised that in the end.
7. I'm in so much pain. And I feel really useless. I took my wrist brace off early today and then I couldn't open my jar of lip balm and I realised my hand was much weaker than I thought and I found that quietly distressing. I pretended it was funny, but really is was very sad because I'm tired of the pain and reliance on other things to help me function. I don't want to move and feel pain anymore. It isn't right for anyone to be like this.
8. I'm tired of being tired and yet I cannot sleep. Despite battling through school today I'm quite awake now that it's after 9pm. I'm just sad. And riddled with roaccutane. And I want to do nothing all day and all night. And just be me. Whoever that is.
9. I hate school so much. It makes me feel so many awful things that I die a little inside each day I wake up. I do this thing now where I sit on my bed for twenty minutes and absentmindedly listen to the radio while I wonder why I insist on torturing myself. I don't do much school related stuff anymore, only the bare minimum - less if I can manage it. I have no desire for it, no motivation, no care. And I know this is bad, it is so bad. And yet, this is where I am and what I am doing.
10. I can't do this anymore.
- Sky
