Day One: Term Two
Weight: 69kg
Oh look, there's that weight thing again. I'm telling you I am freaking obsessed. I got to 72kg midway through the holidays and I think it's needless to say that I was absolutely mortified. But clearly its been rectified and thus I am feeling much better about this.
I am however, not feeling much better about my relationship with the medical world. Obviously the various heart and lung related tests revealed nothing sinister (except my soft heart murmur LOL). So, today the cardiologist decided that we should re-run the bloods and do a lung scan and then repeat in six months to make sure the pressures aren't changing. And of course between this six months there is at least one more trip back to see him. And, and, it doesn't even end there - because the previous set of bloods revealed that my kidney function was abnormal. YAY! And this is really, really exciting because Mum tells me that I had kidney issues when I was two. So you know, now it's a whole new set of bloods, a new test and a new scan. Oh, and a new specialist. Jesus fucking Christ. This all better make sense one day.
I've been quiet over the holidays, as I have no doubt you've noticed, and it's not because I don't care it's more that I just wasn't really home to write. But I am now, thanks to school, so never fear, my nonsensical ramblings have returned.
Mum has stopped talking to her Mum, for various reasons I now understand. I didn't think she would tell me and she said she probably shouldn't have, but why shouldn't I know what my family is like? How dare my Grandma have dinner with that "bitch" who cut Mum off for reasons I don't pretend to understand. The bottom line is, they weren't there for Mum when the bitch had her fit, so she's decided enough is enough and that she will not be having anything to do with any of them any longer.
Which is cool, I guess. Well not cool as in awesome, cool as in whatever. I should care, but I don't think it will make a huge difference to my life. We haven't associated with said bitch for years and Mum will just have time do more work without having to rush to their doctors appointments, or help them fill out forms.
No judgement here.
I'm also facing losing Toby. Although I am quite optimistic about my chances of buying him when he retires. Toby has elected to race poorly, despite being spoilt rotten, and in racing a no talent horse is just not worth having around. But he is very cute and he loves me dearly (just as I love him), so I'm not prepared to lose him the way I lost Justice - because whether you recognise this or not I still miss that horse and didn't bond with a horse the way I had with Justice until I got my favourite reject Toby. Like Justice, he gets narky when I leave, narky when I talk to Snowy (who is his neighbour and not his friend) and narky when I don't pay him any attention. He loves cuddles when no one is looking, he loves it when I give him attention and brush his face, he loves it when I take him out on Sundays and he loves it when I take him to the races. He also loves it when you pull his ears.
I'm not ready to say goodbye. I need him to race well next time. What will I do when he doesn't hang over the yard fence waiting for me to come get him, even though I'm meant to be taking another horse. It's funny how one insignificant horse can keep me in touch with reality, long after I've decided I no longer want to partake in it.
I house hopped for the most part of my holidays and I realised something. I realised that I was correct about school and my home life being the core of my issues. Once away from home and school my stress and bad feelings alleviated and I felt better, things made more sense, I became untouchable. And I liked it. Happy times are hard to come by and a found some. And lost them again just like that. But I had them and I know how to get them, where to find them. And I want them back. It's torture knowing, but being unable to grasp. The holidays, for me, were a whole different world. Far away from the places and people who made things hard. I slept, I saw the horses, I went to the races and reconnected with old friends. I even started playing netball again, despite the cost to my knees. It's worth it, I think.
For now, George the butterfly keeps me safe from cuts. It's comforting to see him there, watching me, making sure I don't go down that stupid, scary path. But for how long George will keep me safe, I don't know. Lets all hope its for a long while to come.
- Sky
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Thursday, 7 April 2011
*tears hair out*
NRRRRRRRRRR.
I swear, if I have one more anxiety attack I might actually flip out good and proper.
I freaked out on no less than three teachers today. I started shaking, and my breathing got screwy and then I just panicked and starting crying, which in case you hadn't noticed is almost as attractive as sporting a giant red lump on your temple, that looks like a giant bloody pimple, on your school ID card.
Apparently I must have freaked out real bad because they offered to let me sit in a room on my own and do the writing. Hah, imagine that.
But it really was one of those situations where once I'd started, it didn't take much to start me again. I felt like a complete dill once I got into the room and then finished with 20 or so minutes to go.
So there you have it. It is never as bad as you think it will be.
I don't know what was worse, feeling like a complete dill or knowing that I was prepared for today and freaking out anyway. Mind you, I never get like this, so it was a complete shock to my system as well. I really just don't know what to do hey. Life's a strange and petty thing.
One day you're moving along fine and the next all hell has broken loose. Thankfully, last day of term tomorrow and hopefully that means time to rest.
- Sky
I swear, if I have one more anxiety attack I might actually flip out good and proper.
I freaked out on no less than three teachers today. I started shaking, and my breathing got screwy and then I just panicked and starting crying, which in case you hadn't noticed is almost as attractive as sporting a giant red lump on your temple, that looks like a giant bloody pimple, on your school ID card.
Apparently I must have freaked out real bad because they offered to let me sit in a room on my own and do the writing. Hah, imagine that.
But it really was one of those situations where once I'd started, it didn't take much to start me again. I felt like a complete dill once I got into the room and then finished with 20 or so minutes to go.
So there you have it. It is never as bad as you think it will be.
I don't know what was worse, feeling like a complete dill or knowing that I was prepared for today and freaking out anyway. Mind you, I never get like this, so it was a complete shock to my system as well. I really just don't know what to do hey. Life's a strange and petty thing.
One day you're moving along fine and the next all hell has broken loose. Thankfully, last day of term tomorrow and hopefully that means time to rest.
- Sky
Monday, 4 April 2011
Why hello
I've decided the time is right to move away from Caring For Justice. I am currently undecided as to whether I will restrict access completely or leave it open. My circumstances haven't changed but I felt a change was necessary and this was the perfect way to lose a few undesirables along the way.
I really hope you'll all continue to read even at the new location as I do enjoy your messages of support, they really mean a lot. I really need to work on commenting back to them and that will be my main goal from here on.
For any new readers, here's the gist of my life:
I'm currently 16 and I've had difficulties with friends all through my schooling life right up til now. I've dealt with many occasions of bullying and I felt I'd come through high school okay, despite the alternating rejection I faced in the small school environment. I was very wrong. I arrived for year 7 confused, upset and very unsure of myself. About half way through that year, 2007, my grandfather's Dementia and Alzhiemer's started getting worse and worse and he had varies elongated stints in the hospital. At the same time his wife, my grandmother, was diagnosed with two brain tumours. The biggest one, in her frontal lobe, was the size of an orange and had likely been growing for twenty years. They were able to cut this big one out but when they did they found a third one and the second and third one's they were unable to remove. She's lost her sense of smell completely and for a long time the doctors thought she would have to live in a nursing home but she's proved them all wrong and is living in her own home again.
My grandfather died in early March 2008. I heard he passed peacefully. He'd gone beyond the stage where he remembered us and it was terribly hard. During his sickness I visited him once in hospital, shortly after he died before being revived in emergency the year before (Mum maintains they should have let him go) and once in his short stint in a nursing home. The nurses always said he had the worst possible strain of Dementia and also that he was young for an advanced Dementia patient, mid 70s. His funeral was incredibly hard and I can't believe it's been a touch over three years since we said goodbye. Although, he'd been gone for quite some time before his body finally gave in.
In February 2008 I delved into the world of self harm. I don't know why or what I was thinking but it kick started a habit I'm having trouble dropping. People don't appreciate the addiction it is, but how could you when you don't do it? Some days I'm quite convinced it's a losing battle. Other days I'm doing alright.
July 1st 2008 a box was knocked onto the back of my left heel and thus began my long, tiring battle with my tendons in ligaments. For years since that incident my achilles tendon has been nothing but trouble, I occasionally still feel the pull now. The Children's Hospital had nothing helpful to say when the scans turned up clean (five months after the injury I might add, slack parenting there) and when their treatments were unhelpful. So they concluded that it was all in my head. Then my right patella tendon (over the kneecap) got tendonitis and this was followed closely by my left patella tendon and not long after my right wrist. Physio has been incredibly unhelpful and so has school with their multitude of stairs and insistence upon writing things. In early 2010 I buggered my right elbow, upset a nerve and the tendon resulting in a hypersensitive tennis elbow - I really thought I'd busted the bone. And finally in mid 2010 I got knocked awkwardly in a soccer match which resulted in the locking of my knee. The next morning I couldn't get out of bed. GP concluded cartilage tear, scans disagree instead showing a strained Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL). So now I have to be careful.
I still play soccer and hopefully soon start netball.
I also fell in love in love with horse racing, especially the horses and photography of the sport. I've worked in three different racing stables. It was at my first stable that I met the colt, Justice, who would change my world, and in fact right it for the short time we were together. He was looking pretty good as a summer three-year-old before an injury wore him down. When he came back five months later in 2009 he wasn't as interested in racing as he'd previously been, and as with the top stables he left pretty quickly. Understandably, I was devastated. He popped up for a short time with a small country trainer, and he won three or four races before dropping off the scene again. I am unsure of what happened to him and a part of me is scared to find out, especially if his life has ended.
In my third stable I've gotten to know a few horses and have found myself on the same wavelength as one troubled gelding, renowned for having 'no mates'. Toby, may be a pest at times, but he's proven easier to handle than Justice (who wouldn't settle for his life). I haven't bonded with a horse like this since Justice and I sincerely hope he hangs around for awhile. I look forward to seeing him and he secretly enjoys my visits too.
So, now I'm in 2011 and having more bad days than good and often wondering where I'm going and why. Sometimes I find myself asking the unanswerable and constantly reshuffling my friends. Because sometimes I don't know who they are or what they're thinking.
I'm worried because I don't know what tomorrow holds or what problems the specialists will bring up, but maybe it will be okay one day. I don't know what I'm all that hopeful at this point.
Bah, that 'gist' turned into an essay. Terribly sorry. And Justice did not get the justice he deserves in this blog. I suppose you'll just have to read Caring For Justice to read his story.
- Sky
I really hope you'll all continue to read even at the new location as I do enjoy your messages of support, they really mean a lot. I really need to work on commenting back to them and that will be my main goal from here on.
For any new readers, here's the gist of my life:
I'm currently 16 and I've had difficulties with friends all through my schooling life right up til now. I've dealt with many occasions of bullying and I felt I'd come through high school okay, despite the alternating rejection I faced in the small school environment. I was very wrong. I arrived for year 7 confused, upset and very unsure of myself. About half way through that year, 2007, my grandfather's Dementia and Alzhiemer's started getting worse and worse and he had varies elongated stints in the hospital. At the same time his wife, my grandmother, was diagnosed with two brain tumours. The biggest one, in her frontal lobe, was the size of an orange and had likely been growing for twenty years. They were able to cut this big one out but when they did they found a third one and the second and third one's they were unable to remove. She's lost her sense of smell completely and for a long time the doctors thought she would have to live in a nursing home but she's proved them all wrong and is living in her own home again.
My grandfather died in early March 2008. I heard he passed peacefully. He'd gone beyond the stage where he remembered us and it was terribly hard. During his sickness I visited him once in hospital, shortly after he died before being revived in emergency the year before (Mum maintains they should have let him go) and once in his short stint in a nursing home. The nurses always said he had the worst possible strain of Dementia and also that he was young for an advanced Dementia patient, mid 70s. His funeral was incredibly hard and I can't believe it's been a touch over three years since we said goodbye. Although, he'd been gone for quite some time before his body finally gave in.
In February 2008 I delved into the world of self harm. I don't know why or what I was thinking but it kick started a habit I'm having trouble dropping. People don't appreciate the addiction it is, but how could you when you don't do it? Some days I'm quite convinced it's a losing battle. Other days I'm doing alright.
July 1st 2008 a box was knocked onto the back of my left heel and thus began my long, tiring battle with my tendons in ligaments. For years since that incident my achilles tendon has been nothing but trouble, I occasionally still feel the pull now. The Children's Hospital had nothing helpful to say when the scans turned up clean (five months after the injury I might add, slack parenting there) and when their treatments were unhelpful. So they concluded that it was all in my head. Then my right patella tendon (over the kneecap) got tendonitis and this was followed closely by my left patella tendon and not long after my right wrist. Physio has been incredibly unhelpful and so has school with their multitude of stairs and insistence upon writing things. In early 2010 I buggered my right elbow, upset a nerve and the tendon resulting in a hypersensitive tennis elbow - I really thought I'd busted the bone. And finally in mid 2010 I got knocked awkwardly in a soccer match which resulted in the locking of my knee. The next morning I couldn't get out of bed. GP concluded cartilage tear, scans disagree instead showing a strained Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL). So now I have to be careful.
I still play soccer and hopefully soon start netball.
I also fell in love in love with horse racing, especially the horses and photography of the sport. I've worked in three different racing stables. It was at my first stable that I met the colt, Justice, who would change my world, and in fact right it for the short time we were together. He was looking pretty good as a summer three-year-old before an injury wore him down. When he came back five months later in 2009 he wasn't as interested in racing as he'd previously been, and as with the top stables he left pretty quickly. Understandably, I was devastated. He popped up for a short time with a small country trainer, and he won three or four races before dropping off the scene again. I am unsure of what happened to him and a part of me is scared to find out, especially if his life has ended.
In my third stable I've gotten to know a few horses and have found myself on the same wavelength as one troubled gelding, renowned for having 'no mates'. Toby, may be a pest at times, but he's proven easier to handle than Justice (who wouldn't settle for his life). I haven't bonded with a horse like this since Justice and I sincerely hope he hangs around for awhile. I look forward to seeing him and he secretly enjoys my visits too.
So, now I'm in 2011 and having more bad days than good and often wondering where I'm going and why. Sometimes I find myself asking the unanswerable and constantly reshuffling my friends. Because sometimes I don't know who they are or what they're thinking.
I'm worried because I don't know what tomorrow holds or what problems the specialists will bring up, but maybe it will be okay one day. I don't know what I'm all that hopeful at this point.
Bah, that 'gist' turned into an essay. Terribly sorry. And Justice did not get the justice he deserves in this blog. I suppose you'll just have to read Caring For Justice to read his story.
- Sky
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