I quit therapy for the umpteenth time today. People aren't openly expressing their disappointment, but I hear it in their voices. Even she sounded lecturish as I left.
But it wasn't working. The thought of going turned me into a snake; prepared to strike with harsh words, lie maliciously in silence and give a cold, hard, evaluative stare. I was shitty throughout the sessions and it overarched the experiences of any workable emotions that I needed to have. We didn't connect. She never once made me want to go and want to talk to her. Instead I employed the classic "I lose if I speak first" tactic and it's an hour of her time wasted, two hours of my time wasted, money wasted, and a rage inside me that need not be stoked.
I understand the importance of talking therapy and not bottling up my emotions, I do. But every fibre of my being was resistant. And it always has been with therapists. I don't know if it's because they challenge my stunted ability to articulate my feels or that I just don't connect with them. Perhaps it's a combination of the two.
It's definitely an issue that I find talking about my feelings difficult. I don't use the word stunted as a joke because much of the time I am completely unable to make the words leave my mouth. In my mind I find them and form sentences and understand them, oh how I understand them. But then when I go to communicate out loud there is a block.
Last week while away with my boyfriend I was unable to explain to him what I was feeling. It would have been so much easier if I had of been able to just say 'hey, my hormones aren't playing nice with my depression and are making me a crazy lady this week' or 'look, I really just need to be physically and mentally alone right now' or even just 'I'm sorry that I'm violently hot and cold. I don't mean to be, I love you'. But none of these things were said. He got unwarranted and unexplained anger, irritability, tears and silence instead.
Even when my other Mum expresses concern for me or asks if I'm okay I immediately turn prickly. I'm an emotional hedgehog - I bare my spines the moment I feel any threat. And I know that this is terrible. I feel awful and sad and so very, very guilty every time I snap at someone unnecessarily, but I don't know how else to act.
But this isn't the only reason why therapy has never worked for me. All experts agree that there needs to be a connection between counsellor and counsellee. I have never had that connection with one before. So not only am I grappling with expressing my locked away feelings, I am being asked to trust them unto someone I don't know nor particularly like.
It is an extremely challenging exercise for me as it requires me to bring down all my safeguards. Safeguards that I'm just not prepared to jeopardise for someone who makes me sensationally angry.
So I quit therapy for the umpteenth time.
And I felt instantly better.
But I am still plagued by the niggling knowledge that I will have to do it again and that I will have to break down my safeguards.
I must learn to communicate. But only for the right people.
