I think that over the last day really, I have realised for the first time just how isolated I am becoming.
In many ways I feel like I'm stuck between two world's and I'm not sure which way to go. The result has been this growing isolation.
I am a lazy friend. The worst kind of friend. I very rarely seek people out. This is due in part to my not wanting to bother people/inflict my company upon them and that I just think they don't want to talk to me anyway. And really, who does want to talk to me? If I had a choice, I wouldn't be talking to me. The way I view myself is so negative that I frequently wonder why some people do occasionally pursue my company.
So I'm not surprised at all to be slipping out of contact. I don't give anyone any reason to think I'm of any value.
But the event that brought all this on I guess... well it's really dumb. It is. It's just a simple and small event that's resulted in a bit of jealousy that's snowballed because I'm entering the depressive episode period of the cycle. When I was out last night, I met a guy and yeah, I think I'm a bit keen on him. And not even in that way where I just wanted to have sex with him to be honest. We'd been chatting and he knew all about me (which really caught me off guard actually; racing is a funny industry like that...) and he remembered beating one of my favourite horses in a race back in January 2012. We did end up hooking up, but I was ultimately shafted for one of my best friends. And yeah, it's a bit wounding. Has caused some jealousy. Made me reconsider everything. And it's ultimately just pathetic, and I hate and ridicule myself a lot as a result.
But it did make me wonder if I would ever be 'enough' or wanted. Perhaps these are normal fears, things you can talk about with your friends. But when I thought I might want to talk about it, not one person came to mind.
But I did this to myself.
- Sky
