Since airing my issues and my attempt on my life I've had the luxury of not having to hide my struggles. Now I just give in to it. Do I want to get dressed today? Nah, depressed. Do I want to see my friends today like I planned? Nah, depressed. Do I want to do the washing? Nah, depressed. Do I want to do anything? Nah, depressed. And people just let me for the most part. I'm now permitted to not function.
And it's like a blessing, but not. It's great to be allowed the space I have needed for so long and to be able to let a myriad of responsibilities slide while I "recover". But with the space and forgotten responsibilities I have come to have no reason to function. I have no obligation to be a human, I just exist.
I have largely gone back to the way I was, minus what I refer to as "the obligations". I don't do much but I function and I pass as a normal enough so people worry less.
But I still spend large portions of my time despondent and upset. Panicky and lost. Waiting, hoping and almost planning to die.
Because that's just it, I still think about killing myself. Everything feels hard, things aren't going the way I hoped, like I ever deserved something so good, and I'm just exhausted.
This week I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease. I don't know heaps about it but it's just another drama in my endless nightmare. Every stab of pain is an undeserved reminder of how shitty the last decade has been and how it's without a doubt time that ended.
There's little indication that things will get better and I have lost all hope. I've been banging my head against a wall for years, struggling against the tide, nodding at meaningless sentiments as people try to turn my endless uniqueness that has resulted in medical professionals being unable to help me into a positive. And I'm done and quite frankly I am scared.
I'm scared. Horrified of what has been and terrified of what is to come.
I joke about my life and my problems, but I'm done.
I'll do it right this time,
- Sky
