For awhile I thought that I was better. Not 'better' better, but better than before. And then I realised that I was back where I started, before there was any medical intervention + sleep. And now I'm wondering if I'm better at all.
I sleep well, better than ever before. I've stopped dreaming again for the most part. But it's so hard to get out of bed, my body will not wake, my brain is fuzzy. I sleep 9-10 hours nearly every night, I can't help but wonder that this isn't right.
Sometimes I feel like a person, awake and functioning, and other times I don't. A ball of anxiety on the verge of tears; no longer sure how to function. If I want to function. And it doesn't feel right.
It's hard to definitively decide what I'm feeling because I'm not sure what it is. But there's a dullness, an indifference that makes me want to stay in bed or on the couch doing nothing productive. I feel trapped and confused in and about my life. I don't know what decisions to make, jobs to take, life to live.
But most chilling is the small voice that simply says 'don't do it'.
Don't be around to make the choices. Don't be around to feel the panic. Every time I deal with catching trains I stand on a platform and at least once wonder if I should step in front of the train. Sometimes I think about walking up the tracks to catch the train at a greater speed. I always board the train. But not without a tiny amount of regret.
Today my back is so stiff it hurts to move. I haven't been in this much pain for months and I'm not sure how to exist with it anymore. I dared believe that I was better and now I don't know how to cope. I exposed a five year old ligament strain in my knee and some things hurt and I wonder if I should still be exercising but how else am I to feel good?
It was put to me that I accepted that I would always return to self harm, but I don't think that's true. Because I met and fell in love with you and I chose recovery. I went to see doctors, psychologists and now a psychiatrist because I wanted to be better for you. I took the meds I'd sworn for so long I'd never take because I wanted a shot. I saw myself losing you because of the part of me that is sick and I didn't want that. It's just that sometimes the desire to harm myself is so overwhelming there's no hope of waiting it out or finding it an alternative. It's problematic that it works for me and that I don't have an alternative that works as well. But I don't want to hurt myself all the time, and when I lose interest in seeing my blood run I always say 'this is the last time'. Once there's sufficient healing I fade the scars with bio oil, as best I can. And I never used to do that. When I say 'it'll happen again' when I feel triggered it's an observation and I'm triggered. Right now I do want to hurt myself. But I don't want to hurt you. And it's kind of a stalemate and that usually works.
I wish I was better. But sometimes I also wish I wasn't here.
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