As if the lines between each mental illness were not blurry enough, those afflicted are also punished with the horrifically inexact science of finding medications that work.
Pre my suicide attempt I had been started on an anti-depressant that, with the power of much hindsight, I truly believe is the reason that even happened. I mean sure, suicidal ideation is not new to me. But I don't ever remember being that unable to function for that amount of time (and it was a few days) in my life. I couldn't speak, I couldn't eat. I just cried, read and literally told people that I didn't want to live anymore. The lack of intervention is also disturbing in hindsight, but the fact that this occurred just under two weeks into my time on Lexapro tells me that this is why I became so negatively extreme.
When I was eventually referred to a psychiatrist he immediately and decisively decided that the Lexapro was not a solution. So it stopped. The withdrawal period was horrible. I immediately stopped sleeping and I went mad. I was away from home, alone and I got it into my head that I needed to die again. I got increasingly agitated and started watching documentaries about suicide for I don't even know what reasons. When company arrived again I was cagey and loathe to admit that I was having these feelings and hid behind pain problems. Withdrawal kicked my arse and the five days til I started the new medication couldn't pass quicker.
I was started on Mirtazapine, which was much more successful than the Lexapro. Not only did it put me to sleep, but I stayed asleep. No longer waking constantly between 4am and 9am as I had done before. I was less negatively extreme, though I was prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in mood. Little things set me off. I was angry, I was so angry. At my Mirtazapine review my psychiatrist listened and came up with a new plan, instead of simply upping the dose. He prescribed Cymbalta to not only aid the Mirtazapine, but to also try to control referred pain from my disc issue in my lower back. He also prescribed Epilim to control my mood swings and to further help me sleep.
I had very mixed feelings about the two new additions. I was and am at the point where I don't want control of anything and so was just going along with professional discretion. But being regulated by drugs has never led to anything good in my short life and I was, at best, not happy to be controlled by them once more. During the difficult week in which my system did it's best to adjust to the new medications, I found myself wondering why I should even be alive if I needed three drugs to make it so. My sense of self became and continues to be severely impacted by the use of these meds.
My body eventually accepted the new ones, but the Epilim over-sedated me and waking up in the morning once again became a tiresome ordeal. I became negatively extreme again and at the review earlier this week the experiment was deemed a failure. I was taken off Cymbalta and Epilim cold turkey and day two of withdrawal has been arduous. Last night I slept that worst I have slept since Lexapro, despite the Mirtazapine sedation. And I have been fragile, on the brink of tears for no reason and easily crushed. But I've also been prone to outbursts of frustration and anger.
I know withdrawal ends. I know that. But I also know that there were reasons that there were additives to Mirtazapine in the first place. So I feel like best case scenario at the review is an upped dose. Worst case, new and unhelpful/counterproductive additives.
All of this is meant to be for the best, but it's like being spun around and spat out constantly. My body is being forced again and again to adjust. Be regulated. So I can be "normal".
But I'm not "normal". I never was and I never will be. I'm broken. I'm not meant to be.
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