Weighty Issues

Current weight: 76.5kg

A common thread throughout my blogging has been my infernal struggle with my weight. Now, my rational self fully acknowledges that I am not super fat. But, there is certainly excess weight. And I'm just so far from okay with this this that it has manifested into a terrible obsession.

In 2009, I weighed in at a glorious 65kg. I loved that, it was awesome. But I worry that to get there I was bordering on eating disorder territory. Because the reality of that time, and I do not talk about this, was that I just wasn't eating. I would eat nothing all day. Then I would go home and eat dinner. I would eat dinner because my Mum is big on everyone eating dinner at the dining room table together and I didn't want them to know that I wasn't eating. So I ate dinner, and nothing more. And this went on for awhile, and in six weeks I lost seven kilos. And I loved it. It was dangerous, but I think for the first time I really properly liked my body. And because of that, 65kg has become the golden number. Though I know it simply cannot be again, because I cannot starve myself.

After the glory year, I had a weight range that saw me weigh in between 67kg and 73kg. And I remained in that range for about two years. It amuses me greatly to look back at that time and know how much hate seeing 73kg on the scales instilled in me. I couldn't deal with it. I felt stupid, but I couldn't deal with it. If I couldn't have 65kg, I was going to have 70kg. It consumed me. It still consumes me to this day.

So you can imagine my utter horror at helplessly watching my weight balloon out to 83kg while I was taking roaccutane. I was powerless to change it. I was utterly depressed and for the first time in my life I comfort ate. For years, when I was depressed I denied myself food, but not now, not anymore. I just wanted to eat. So I did. And I hated myself, I hated myself so much. I had to quit my highly physical job and I was in so much pain I couldn't do any exercise. I just stacked the weight on. I stopped fitting into my clothes, I cried a lot, I willed myself to die. Not just over the weight, but it was certainly a part of it.

I am fixated. I am totally and utterly fixated on my weight. I don't fully understand my fixation, but I can take a few guesses. The things that happen to me are just completely out of my control, and I guess that my weight is mostly under my control, and so I control it as best I can. I also just really want to be able to love myself. And I sort of found that happiness at 65-70kg. And everyone says that I won't be happy if I lose weight, but I really beg to differ. I really do.

So I'm having a serious go at losing weight, getting fit and even toning up. It's going to happen, I can do this. At the start of this year I was calorie counting and exercising and I became obsessed with it. I felt guilty if I ate too much, I felt guilty if I didn't exercise, I felt bad when I ate the wrong foods. And I started to lose weight, it was working. But then I went on a holiday and fell out of touch with that habit and it ended. But that was made okay when I started that job, because the weight literally fell off me. And I was so busy I didn't have time to eat a lot and dinner became my main meal.

But I know I can do this, I am utterly dedicated. I will have the body I want. I will like it, I may even love it. I will be 70kg again, maybe even less.

- Sky