It all ends the same way

It's nearly 1am and I should be in bed. Because I joined a gym this week and started getting out of bed while it was still morning. Except I was still going to bed in the early hours of that morning. So my hours of sleep have been suffering. And yet I cannot sleep earlier. And I'm going to a horse show tomorrow and I'm getting up before 7am and it's nearly 1am and I should be in bed because truly I am exhausted.

I did not have any alcohol for a whole week until today. And at first I didn't miss it, but then I did and then I got mildly drunk tonight and I remembered why I drink and I swear that I do not have a drinking problem. I function fine without alcohol, I really do. It just drives me up, makes me a happy and confident person. Someone you'd want to be around. Someone I'd want to be around. I wish I was that happy and vivacious person all the time. Me on a normal day starts out okay and slowly falls away, and suddenly it's 2am and I'm experiencing a range of sad and hateful emotions, mostly directed at myself.

And so I look at me, and I ask myself what my deal is. Why do I fight me, why do I hurt me, why do I hate me? And it seems to simply be that it's being me. Because being me has left me so existentially screwed up. I have battled hard for so many years and that struggle just doesn't end. And it just makes me wonder why I do anything anymore.

So maybe I'll stop getting out of bed while it's still morning. Because it really doesn't matter when my day starts.

I just feel really awful right now. Like, the sudden low that's enveloping me just came out of nowhere. I was driving today through the countryside and stopping intermittently to take photos (because sometimes the landscape blows me away) and I was happy, I was free. But now its 1am and I don't feel that anymore. It's just another day like all the others where I end up alone and unhappy, waiting for some happy ending I'm sure isn't coming. Talking myself out of cutting while knowing it's an eight out of ten chance of happening anyway. Vaguely hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, while knowing it'll end the same way.

- Sky