I've had a very emotionally challenging month since the point at which my knee became inexplicably injured.
I ended up taking two weeks sick leave from my job, waiting and hoping for a miraculous recovery. But as with most of my problems, no such recovery happened. When I stayed off the joint, the swelling and pain reduced. But as soon as I got up and about again, the swelling and pain returned. So I had to call it quits on the job, because it became more than apparent to me that the joint was not going to heal to a point at which I would be physically capable of the work again.
This was very confronting for me. On nearly every level I needed to leave that job. It was destroying me physically and mentally. I functioned on 3-4hrs of sleep every day, my social life was questionable, my body hated me, the job itself made me so angry. So I resolved to finish up on November 15th, I wanted to see out the spring. The selected finishing date would allow me to be around for a lot of the things I wanted to be around in that job for. But, as with most things concerning myself, it did not end that way and I resigned on the 23rd of September. And for the last couple of weeks, I've simply floated around in disbelief. I've had to watch things I should have been there for, and been a part of, happen without me. I've watched people I was close to go on without me. It's been really hard. And all I have to show for my hard six months in that job is a swollen and sore knee.
On my list visit to the doctors, following diagnostic scans, I was told that he didn't know why my knee was doing this. I just laughed at him, I think he was scared. You can't make up the things that happen to me sometimes. It just can not be fiction. And once again I have a medical problem that cannot be explained and as a result cannot really be treated. So I'm just floating around vaguely hoping the joint will just get better, while really hoping I just adjust to the fluid and pain quickly so I can get on with my life as best I can.
In my second week of sick leave, I took up an attitude that was a mix between 'fuck it' and 'yolo'. I started being extremely social and I started drinking again. Three day benders are now a thing I just do. And while that behaviour has made the last couple of weeks much more bearable, they have also made me emotionally retarded. I just didn't feel the things I needed to feel and I didn't deal with the things I needed to deal with. I found more things to do, I didn't go home for a week, I kept drinking and socialising and driving places and just basically doing anything I could to ensure I was busy and emotionally unreachable.
And I forced the hand of the boy who'd been stringing me along for the past two months on Thursday. I just got tired of his games so I made him draw a line and choose, were we friends or were we more. I mean, I know I come across all hardcore, but I am a human and I have feelings. He decided friends, in an intensely egotistical and pretentious manner that does not endear him to me. And it only served to show me that he has me pegged all wrong. It's like he thinks all women are the same, as a result of being tied up with a string of girls previously who have all, essentially, been the same. He expected me to be overtly attached to him and he just doesn't know me at all. So his thinking sort of offended me, in that regard. That he doesn't realise how seamlessly I have cut people out of my life these days. And that despite knowing me, and really knowing me, he can't see that I don't (and can't) rely on people emotionally (or otherwise) like that. There's so much more I could discuss but it's worthy of a post in itself. He said that he can't do a relationship and that what was going on between us was already too 'relationshippy' for him. So as such, I'm going to withdraw. I'm taking the 'radio silence unless spoken to' approach. Let him miss me. Being vindictive does indeed cheer me some.
But today I just lost it, a bit. I was supposed to go out and see one of my best mates as he's leaving the country for a couple of years shortly and this day had been in the plans for about a month, but after the month I've had, and especially the last week I just could not bring myself to leave the house. I felt so guilty, I still feel so guilty. He rang me at some point during the afternoon - just after I watched one of 'my' old horses finish second in a group one, so bittersweet - and I nearly started crying while I was on the phone to him. I did meltdown completely after I hung up. Just lay on my bed in the pile of self pity and it was pretty pathetic really. It was just this moment in which I was emotionally hit with everything I'd been suppressing and it was not a lot of fun. The message here is don't drink so much, but I know that this won't stop me.
It's just that it's October now, and I was promised for years and years and years that things would get better for me post-school. And I guess I'm still coming to terms with the fact that that's been a lie. This whole year has been so topsy-turvy and just the last month has been very trying. I think about cutting myself a lot and while the god awful period where it was a multiple times a day habit has passed (for now, it's always a for now), I think about it a lot. I don't know whether this will end with another cycle or just the odd cut. I just don't know right now.
Usually I round up these posts fairly well, but I'm just beyond words right in this moment.
- Sky
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