I stepped away from this blog for a long time. First, because typing so much with one hand was an exertion I couldn't deal with while my wrist was broken, second, because I no longer wished to write, and third, because I was feeling pretty good for a brief time.
Things sort of fell together. I got a job and it was hell at first hoping my body would adjust and the pain would stop and I'd fall into a sleep pattern that was cohesive with my work hours. The afore happened, the latter did not. But there was a period about a month after I started the job that I was properly enjoying it. There was no taint.
But as with all things in my life, the taint came. And it came so gradually I didn't notice at first. I didn't notice the negativity trickle in. I didn't notice the gradual disinterest. Nor the rebirth of the hate. But I noticed the anger. Frustration and anger, I think, are very hard to ignore. To the point where they were overbearing and simply shouted down any red flags that should have brought my downward slide to my attention. And I was angry for months. I was overexhausted and overworked and over stressed and I was angry about it. I could feel the tension in the knots between my shoulders. There were other things - feelings and emotions and pains - but I was three parts anger at all times. It didn't matter who you were, what you'd done, I was angry at you. There are very few people at this point, that I can spend more than a couple of hours with and not want to maim and kill them.
One of these people is the boy I am suffering an infatuation with. I had a crush on him, it turned out he felt similarly, we sort of got together and then he broke it off without warning having made a decision on his own. It sort of all boiled down to his state of confusion about his past and future and him having decided I'm just too nice a girl for him to fuck up. Once I got past the general shock, I was mostly annoyed that he was deciding - on his own - what I would and wouldn't be able to cope with and now I'm mostly just annoyed that I can't move on. It doesn't help that I see him pretty much every day. And it doesn't help that he wouldn't let me say we couldn't be friends. And it doesn't help that I can spend time with him so easily. It just doesn't help. It's not been good for my head.
So work turned to shit, my group of friends became strangled as I failed to be able to deal with people. One of the people at work who is above me reduced me to tears in front of everyone and I ended up with a week off work.
And foolishly, I thought that this week would benefit me. So foolish. It's only served to make things worse.
Without a job to pin me down, enforce sanity and force me to function I've simply begun to give into the depression. This whole week I have been overloaded with people and activity and trying to be happy when I just wish I was back in bed embracing sweet, beautiful denial. Even in drinking I no longer find safety as I've had incidences where I'm just totally and utterly depressed. I've once again fallen back to self harm. Except it's escalated this time. The tools have changed and so has the game. I bleed through band aids now. I went away from home for a few days and spent at least half of that mini holiday curled up on a bed, refusing to function and totally giving into the depression, allowing all my anxieties to strangle me. I stay up late thinking and sleep well into the day no longer dreaming.
I don't understand what this is. It's been so, so long since I've been like this. I thought I was bad in the past but there was reasons and reasons provide sanity. But now there's nothing and it's like it's 2008 where there's no one and there's self loathing and hatred and white hot anger. Where I fail to function. I scowl. I wish death upon you for even looking at me solely with my eyes. I'm stony. I'm anxious. I want. I need. But I can't ask. I can't tell. It's a strange paralysis.
It's such a strange thing not to be able to talk.
And it scares me. It scares me the loss of normal functioning. It took me two hours on Saturday night, two hours, to convince myself to get up off the floor and shower. On Friday night I couldn't get out of bed to find dinner so I had Pringles. When I was catching up with a friend - after a night full of craving company - I just wanted her to leave me alone to pity myself and literally shred myself. It scares me that I changed so much without noticing and it scares me that I can't stop it and it scares me. It scares me that I just don't even know what to say anymore.
To anyone.
The hopelessness I feel. I'm not suicidal, but I'm not sure I want to live either. But it is just this existential hopelessness and it's smothering.
I can't make decisions about the future, that thought has been terrifying me into a stupor for months. Do I go to uni. Do I hate myself more. Do I keep working. Do I hate myself more. I just don't understand how every direction can end it hate, misery and anger.
And then I remember. I remember that I never planned to see NYE 2012. It wasn't meant to happen. And suddenly it's nearly August in 2013 and the future is real and it's asking me to join it and I just can't.
I can't see it. I can't see me in it. It might as well not be there.
I am hopeless.
I am bleeding.
I am lost.
- Sky
No comments:
Post a Comment