Was reading CFJ the other night. A couple of things occurred to me: 1) Geez I can be a whingy, mopey kid and 2) Damn I was thin. So many entries posting weights in the 65-70kg range... which is exactly where I want to be. None of this 70-75kg bullshit. It's slightly obsessive, but I don't even care. I have this picture in my head of the ideal me and I really just want to be that person. Every day the scales show me 73kg, I feel a tiny bit sadder inside. Sick, sad Sky. Wanting stupid things.
Got sick. With a virus. Possibly the best thing that's happened to me in some weeks -- despite the terrible dry throat, squeaky, raw voice and violent cough, as well as the headaches and blocked nose, not to mention all the snot. I was forced to stay home and do nothing. And it was great. No school, no homework, no people, just the company of my now preoccupied brain and endless hours of Gossip Girl. Soothing and distracting. So yes, getting sick was the best thing that had happened to me in quite some time. I needed a time out and I needed it badly. And I got it and it was awesome.
Except I'm still sick. Dammit.
I do, however, swear that I've got half the world worrying about me. I continue to assure everyone that it's under control. But the thing is that the reality of the situation is that it's not really. It's actually totally unpredictable and the best I can do is run with it and hope for the best. Luckily for me, I am in control 95%. Pre sickness, that excellent strike rate was slipping a bit. Well a lot, really. My resolve was not standing the tests of life so well pre sickness. All that relaxing now being done, it's not like I got any extra sleep -- which was the only bummer. On Saturday morning the bags under my eyes were nearly gone but now, they're back in force. Mostly because my insane brain insists on waking at 6am every morning, like clockwork. I don't understand. I'm not even trying to. There's just no point trying to decipher some, well most, of the occurrences in my life. Best just to let things roll on, I suspect.
So I just have to get that resolve up and keep plugging away. It's all just so variable these days that it's hard to know what to do. And it's hard to know what to do because I don't know what's going to come next. I know that that's just how life works, but why? Why am I not in more control of what is happening to me? So much of me has been stolen from my grasp that I can't trust anymore. Sometimes I can't even trust myself. Well that's most of the time because it seems to me that I'm rather untrustworthy where self is concerned. Not that that is at all surprising, I think.
It's easy to pretend everything is okay when it's not. I'm just an actress on life's stage. The roles have been chosen and the best I can do is play along -- as fate intended. It was never in my hands, after all. I think that that simple fact has been proven enough times in my years for that to be indisputable.
- Sky
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