I'm having a real bi-polar night. I'd forgotten what an effort it is to keep happy during the hours where I'm confronted with a constant stream of people. I came home tonight feeling pretty good, I did some drawing and I'm liking it so far. Liking it I'm afraid I'll ruin it. But there's hours to be invested in this drawing yet. And I got on the internet, same as always. Had some chats with some of my favourite people, bummed around on my favourite websites and then out of the blue I feel like absolute crap. I feel like I've been hit by a train. I'll sleep tonight and I'll struggle to open my eyes, let alone get out of bed, in the morning. I'm feeling the familiar desire to cut. I haven't yet. But from experience I know that its only a matter of time. The latter is the most disturbing of the lot. It's been a long time since I've cut over a medical problem. A long, long time. But with a week to go I'm getting nervous. More than nervous. I think about it constantly. I'm terrified.
I'm still stuck on the what ifs. And it's killing me. The desire to know is killing me. If I'm right, then the answer won't change much in the short term -- in terms of appointments and monitoring and check ups -- but its a label. And I don't want it! I don't want to hear that I'm sick. I feel like I am. But there's a difference between feeling and knowing. And I don't want to know. But I do. That doesn't even make sense. I have to know but I'm scared. What if its bad? There's nothing they can do if it is. How did this even happen?
And you know, I'm freaking out about this and roaccutane is wreaking its own havoc and I'm scared of that. And I'm in pain. I don't understand. All my already sore joints hurt. I know its a side effect, but I don't really understand. My achilles tendon hasn't hurt in two years, possibly longer, and yet when I sit for a long period of time or get up in the morning its stiff and it aches and you know, it hurts. And I don't understand. And I'm not happy. TWO YEARS! And my knees are dreadful, they are so dreadful. There's constantly heat in them. No crouching, no stomping, tape them up if I want to to excessive walking. And my hand/wrist... omg. I'm using a hardier brace these days. So I'm sure that's partially why I had such a dreadful time with my hand over the holidays. But its never been so bad. It hurts when the horses pressure my write arm, it hurts to text, it hurts to type and use the computer in general. And you know what, what the hell is that?! It's bullshit, that's what is is. I knew this could happen, but I didn't see it coming. And I'm wearing it, but I'm not happy. It's torture.
All of this is torture. The pain, not knowing, trying to pretend I'm okay with all of this when I'm not, dealing with everyone else, being upbeat and with it. !@)($#*@)($(@#*^$(#@*$&!)@#*_!@)$%#@)(%&
Can't do it, too hard. I want a raincheck on my body and then my brain. Any takers? I'm agitated and wound up and... ugh. I don't know. I really just do not know. I want to know but I don't. I don't want acne, but I don't really want the pain. I want to live, but I want to be happy. I want to love, but I'm not sure I can trust.
All of this, just hit me. Out of the blue. I'm down. I'm trying to talk it out. My chest is a little tight -- and that's anxiety, that I know -- but wow. Want to cut. Want to sleep forever. Want to be okay.
Hello, happiness? I'm waiting. Not so patiently anymore.
- Sky
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