Just Who did You think You were?

I don't know where to begin to be honest. The last few weeks have consisted of me putting the feelings of someone else above my own. And to put it simply, it went on for too long. I wish, I really wish, that I'd had the foresight and the guts to end that toxic relationship much sooner than I eventually did. I tried so hard to balance it. I really did. Bloody hell, listen to me justifying my actions already... I tried to balance the unbalanceable. That's the reality of the situation. And predictably, it teetered and crashed to the ground.

I didn't know what I was getting into when I went BLAH THIS IS EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG IN MY LIFE at this person. But they got attached so, so quickly when they saw what they were getting. They'd found someone who was like them. The dove in head first, and I erred on the side of caution. They got more and more attached and I'll not lie, the more attached they became the more I wanted to turn away. And I did. And I, by my own admission, was quite rude at times but I was able to justify that in my own mind and I'm okay with that. No guilty conscience here.

I lost 25kg in about a month is not okay. I can't eat or sleep because I'm worried about what I've done to make your ignore me is not okay. I miss you after a few short weeks of friendship is not okay. Playing on my trust issue with I'll never leave you is not okay. Who did you think you were? You don't get to say those things to me. I can't carry you and your multitude of problems when I'm grappling with my own. I may be the strongest person you know, but I worked on that. I worked fucking hard. You don't just steel yourself against the things life throws at you by chance. And as strong as I may be, I cannot and I will not carry two people. Specially not someone who is more fucked up than I am, when I can't decipher their intentions. Not for me.

So what really tipped me over the edge? Picking up my trust issue. I was happy to regard them with silence for the rest of eternity after that. I cannot explain the mix of horror, anger and disbelief as I read those words. I cannot explain it. How dare you! You are the prime example of why I don't trust people. And even better yet, you didn't even see what you'd done. And to this day, you do not get it. And then you wrote this pukeworthy status, and I had several people tell me not to comment on it... but fuck man, I was all for puking, commenting on it, whatever. You crossed the line a second time and yes, I did the only thing I could. Sever all ties 100%. I asked you not to talk to me. No, I warned you off. And I'm glad you listened because I would not have remained checked. And then your little mate got onto me about it and you know what, I'll repeat myself, just this once. I do not owe any kind of explanation to anyone. This blog is not an explanation, its an exploration of my opulent anger and frustration. And to suggest that someone else made this decision for me? REALLY?! Are you legitimately that dense? My feelings towards this third party are mixed at best, but that doesn't mean you get to blame them for your shortcomings. That's weak.

It's also very dense and I still don't understand how anyone could have missed the actual point there. But congratulations, you managed it! Go grab a medal, seriously...

In closing, you can never be sure of what you're dealing with. And I'll never again launch into anything with anyone I don't know ever again. Even if it is 1am and I'm literally falling to pieces. I'd rather be silent. Silence is solitude. I'm living and I'm learning. Two things you are not.

Am currently imagining a range of personalised insults to finish this off... none of which should be said aloud or written out.

- Sky