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I've had a very stressful few weeks for varying reasons, some of which I'll not go into on this blog for reasons which will only be known to myself. And all this stress and emotional trauma has led to a constant stream of keyboard mash running through my head. I use this mash in general conversation, that's how prevalent it is. And I still don't have clarity. And though I've made decisions relevant to each point of stress I still feel bad about it. And I shouldn't have to! I did the right things.

I know I did.

It's just a lot to think about. I finally get away from school for a few weeks, but nothing really stops. Same stuff rolling around my mind. Every time I take a step in what I perceive to be the right direction, a whole new batch of questions and problems come to the forefront of my mind and along with them lately, more keyboard mash.

And I'm over it.

I just want clarity. I want to see things clearly. I want to be able to breath. I want to be able to function without counting to ten. I hate counting to ten. I hate that it's necessary. I hate that it works. I shouldn't hate that it works. I don't know why I do. Maybe its the simplicity of the solution. It seems to me that something so trivial doesn't deserve to be so effective. But it is. It works. I can do things that cause keyboard mash to stream in mass proportion when I do it. I hate counting to ten. It's only a temporary fix.

Temporary isn't good enough.

I'm so exhausted. I've been so flattened by the last few weeks and all that they've encompassed that I'm just so tired. And it won't go away. And my mind won't let me rest. These last few days I've struggled to sleep much before 4am and then I don't sleep in much -- the curse of the light sleeper -- and its catching me faster than school did. I can't do this. I'm exhausted. I don't even want to go to work.

And that's serious.

And there's only one week of sleep left. And that's not enough. And there's just so many 'and's' I don't know where they're going to end. I just don't know anything. Though, I do know that my moods have evened out. But when I say evened out, they've evened out into a not-so-happy range. I'm trying, I am, but I'm just not happy. I don't know why and I won't admit its med influenced, but in my heart of hearts I think it might be. And that's a little bit scary. But its not too bad. I mean its not good, but its not bad. That doesn't make sense and I don't really care. My mood is obviously not helped by the constant dry state of my skin. I'm sure I'm defeating the purpose of the med by moisturising, but it really is feral and gross and I'm not leaving the house looking like that. And it itches!

Always at stupid hours like 2am.

The rash has been nothing short of frustrating. The itching, the dryness, the redness. I tell some people that its leprosy for a laugh. Reactions are priceless, every single time. And then there's the joint pain. My knees are being difficult. Very difficult. Very stiff. Mildly painful. But its not good. Not good at all. I'm hurting from minimal activity. So its not what I'm doing and therefore I can't fix it. I hate it when I can't control things.

Roaccutane has stripped me of control. It's stressed me and that constant stress is robbing me of control of everything else. I'm so done with this crap.

I'm surprised this came out as ordered as it did. Feeling like a bit of a boss... take that mind, I can order my thoughts.

- Sky