I was lying in bed writing this post so I thought I'd better just get up and actually write it...

I don't know why I'm so hung up on the friends stuff.

I'm not exactly angry at my former best friend anymore, it is what it is and I don't want to spend my life being angry. But with each passing day she inadvertently finds another way to pierce my heart and I think its needless to say that I'm growing tired of this. As I was lying in bed pondering my 'friends' I had to fight back the tears because I feel so, so alone. No one seems to really want to talk to me, let alone listen or even just have the time to be my friend. And its lonely. I feel out of place in every aspect of my life and like I'm just not a part of anything anymore. And why should I be? No one wants to hang out with boring, self pitying, old me.

I'm just having another pity party. I know it's just the depression kicking my arse. But I feel so jaded and lonely. I'm always getting back to where I started and then finding that there isn't a clear path forward.

I wanted to be happy, have friends, a job I enjoyed. Instead I'm sad, don't trust anyone enough to say "can I talk to you?" or "I need help" and I don't really like my job much either. So then what do I have? Not a lot.

Not a lot at all. And certainly not enough to inspire me for life. But I'm not here to discuss ending it. I'm not really here to discuss anything at all. I'm sitting here typing out the warped cry for help to no one because I'm nothing worth paying attention to and/or listening to.

More from my personal little bullshit pity party.

If I wasn't so busy engaging in my own pity party I'd be pretty damn angry at me. Because I'm a pretty sorry excuse for a human. Just sitting here whinging on my crap arse blog like people actually care and read it. If I thought people cared I'd be talking to someone wouldn't I?

But no. I'm not.

And I'm still having my pity party. Still listening to my screwed up mind. Still feeling like shit. Still alone.

And I don't know what to do this time.

People joke about having a screw loose, but I actually have one. Several maybe. Possibly. Probably. Definitely.

This is the worst post ever. So much to say and no words and all I've come out with is a bunch of nonsensical bullshit. I still don't feel better and I'm going to go to bed anyway and pretend I'm okay and then proceed with this charade tomorrow.

- Sky