These last few weeks I have been consumed, mostly, by anger and hate. Now as I'm sure you are well aware both these emotions are particularly strong and as such when I say they consumed me I really mean that they're the predominant emotions. Obviously there have been other emotions -- I've been utterly calm and I've been devastatingly sad -- but these are the ones I return to.
And quite unhappily at that.
So what is the object of my tumultuous cycle of feral emotion? The person I'm jealous of of course. Though I'm no longer sure jealously is the correct word. It really is hate/anger at this point. About a week and a half ago I completely flew off the handle. I felt that I was being over emotional, but that didn't stop me cycling from anger/hatred to desperate sadness and endless tears. And thus, the last week and a half I have consumed myself chiefly with reconciling my feelings.
It's no longer about the inadequacy in the face of the boy situation, but she's stealing my job and undermining my position within in the stable and to say the least I am very unhappy about this. It's kick started one of my more difficult weeks in recent times. Mostly because she was my best friend. We shared something that is of the utmost importance to me and up until the Sunday before last I tried very hard to forgive what she was doing for the sake of the friendship. But when on that Sunday night/Monday morning she told me that she was going to work I properly lost it. Hung her out to dry verbally to friends between bursts of sobbing. I was very, very wounded and the emotional hit I took took three days to recover from. I was absolutely exhausted.
But I made the effort to reconcile and move on. Played the caring friend once more. In fact I was the best friend ever on Saturday night and because I am the best friend ever I won't share the details. But I was awesome. And what became of my stellar effort? Further underminings because a certain someone couldn't cop that I was actually getting some shifts that she hadn't been offered. I don't care that you're going away next week, I don't care that you want to go to work, I don't care that you're enjoying it. I was getting two shifts to your seven. I like going in too. And it's certainly not my fault you're family planned a holiday.
So step off bitch.
I'm done with your underminings. I'm done with you lording it over me. Step off that high horse, you are absolutely no bloody good. I am the more experienced staff member, if anyone should be getting the unbalance of shifts it should be me. From that conversation on I can't remember which night but know it was this week I have been angry and filled with hate. I no longer wish to communicate with her. I have nothing left to give her. Nothing at all. I want to hit her actually.
I wondered at times whether I was overreacting and was simply being overemotional, but I have been assured that she has absolutely over stepped the line. I got her the job. At the end of the day you'd have honestly thought that that would have done something to earn me some respect for her. But no. I'm an object to be used when it suits her and cut down to nothing at her whim. And she has no idea I feel this way or what she's done. She has no idea. I couldn't spell it out clearer. But in her fairy land I guess things are different.
This whirlwind of emotion has also elicited from me my first cuts in some time. And despite the loss of a friendship, I honestly feel that this is the greater shame. I have once again allowed myself to be cut down and belittled to the point where I feel the need to put blade to skin to prove I don't even know what anymore. Today, I am deeply ashamed that I had to resort to cutting. And I'm only now further resentful of the fractured friendship that has brought me to this point. My misadventures with doctors were hard pressed to draw so much blood but this fucking bitch has crushed me. And for this, I cannot forgive. I am once again crushed by a friendship I cherished. Once again I find myself realising that my bonds with my friends are all as fragile as this and that they could all break at any time. Which is true, as I've learnt time and time again.
And as always, I am stuck for a solution. I can only try to accept that it was not meant to be. And even then I find that hard. Obviously, I'm meant to take something out from each friendship, learn. But I don't know what I'm learning to be honest. It seems like the only lesson -- that is glaringly obvious anyway -- is how to get hurt. I have, thanks to a certain someone, learnt that there is little value in pining for something lost and now find it easier to let go. Hence my readiness to dump this particular person who I have been referring to as my "former best friend".
The other thing I'm learning is to cherish the ones that last, and even more so the ones that are patched up again when all seems lost. These are the ones that are meant to be. And these are the ones I know I should and will fight for. But for someone who fails to see what is becoming of us? I have so very little to say to.
I'm genuinely sorry for this little pity party I'm having. But I cannot work it out of my system. The same vehement hate. The lurking hurt. Spiralling downwards and finally out of control before I try in vain to sew it all together again with a misguided cut. A woeful cycle.
That one day will break, as all things do. But only in their own time. Only when I'm ready to heal.
- Sky
No comments:
Post a Comment