Being Second Best just isn't good enough Anymore

And it never was.

I really just don't understand anymore. And I just can't get my head around anything. I am so completely messed up by the bitch and she still doesn't get it and she insists on talking to me and what if I just go right ahead and have a nervous breakdown? I know, I know, here I am having another self indulgent sook but she won't go away! And if she doesn't go away then I can't start to heal. I'm sick of the way she has everyone wrapped around her little finger. So much so that the foreman at work tries to send her to the races with my horses now. What the fuck is up with that?! Lucky the boss actually has some respect for me.

Because not many people do anymore apparently.

I'm just hurting so much and I feel so useless. The whole saga just makes me feel so useless, unneeded and unnessecary. What kind of existence is that? I can't even think straight, I don't want to do anything, I just want to sleep and I can't even do that. I don't want to be not good enough anymore, I want to be happy. But I can't move from the circle in my mind. That bad horrible circle that is feeding me more and more horror and causing more and more trauma with each passing second.

I guess I'm just so lost in it all that I can't do anything. I can't function as I'd like, I can't even generate a proper discussion on this blog -- its just, well more or less, a stream of consciousness. My crazy consciousness. Dragging me into its depths. Promising me things it can't possibly make a reality.

I just. I'm tired of picking up the pieces.

- Sky