As time passes...

I'm more in control now. I went to sleep shortly after I posted that and awoke in tortorous pain that saw me lie awake from 4.30am til 6am, hoping the painkillers would kick in. When they didn't I got up and watched TV, waiting for everyone else to get up. The painkillers kicked in at 8am which is absolutely disgraceful. I never bothered much with the directions for use on the packets, but I bother even less now. If they poison me they poison me. How can my body possibly be harmed more than it already is?

The weekend got better after that. Aside from the near death of my computer that is. I hope to eventually get the damn thing back sometime, hopefully in working order. There's only so many times I can deal with the blue screen of death. Five times in one day is too many. Eight times overall is too many. Hopefully it'll work when it comes back. It's been nothing but trouble the shit of a thing. Bloody Toshiba's...

But yes, the weekend did get better. I slept better Sunday night. Played N64 on Monday afternoon, worked Tuesday for a few hours before making my way to Flemington at the beautiful hour of 8.20am to strap a horse. Biggest day of my strapping career, was awesome, had a blast, wouldn't trade that experience for a thing. And I mean that. Because you know I live for racing. If I had my way my life would revolve around it. And the fun and games rolled over into Wednesday when I took my special mare to the races for her to run fourth.

And it was back to school today. Back to the high stress, high pressure environment I loathe so much. I've discussed my feelings in this particular area at great length recently and I do not feel compelled to go into any further depth as there's only so much one can say, but the way the weekend went only reinforced my hate for school. I'm done. No more. Can it just be over now? Please?

I really have, without a question of doubt, had enough. Completely and entirely had enough of school. Well, of nearly everything, but mostly school. I'm also starting to worry. Roaccutane is right around the corner now. Have I made the right choice? Why am I doubting now? I suppose it has a bit to do with feeling unstable enough as it is. But why do I doubt myself so now? Surely after the year I've had I could hold it together better than I currently am? Am I just run down and tired? I'm hoping that that's it, that that's the reason and that when I start resting again it'll all be okay. I can hope right? Everyone can hope, but hope can be deadly when its dragged on too long.

I guess I'm just scared at the moment. There are never any guarantees in life, but the future I can guarantee less than I could ever guarantee before. That just seems scary to me.

- Sky