No one ever said it would be this hard.
If anyone had told me just how hard it would get, I don't think I'd have stuck it out this long. But no one did tell and here I am writing this now. I cannot count the times I have started and deleted this particular post. There is so much I want to say and yet I find myself quite unable to express it. I currently feel like an unsettled ball of emotion who will explode sooner or later, the great mystery is which emotion will burst out dominantly. I don't suppose it particularly matters to me which emotion leads the charge, but it probably matters to everyone else. But I'm not everyone else and as such I return to it not really mattering.
I am quite over school. Term four has only gone for two weeks and I've decided that I just want it to be exams so that its all over already. I no longer have any desire to be there and I just want it to be summer to I can do whatever I want, and more importantly, when I want. I think that largely thanks to my school holidays experience, I'm missing my time with the horses more than ever. I ended up working consecutive days for three quarters of my holidays and as tiring as it was, I loved every second of it and in hindsight would not trade that experience for a thing. It wasn't about the money, it was about being closed to the animals I love. They become such a huge and irreplaceable part of your life that you miss them very quickly. It was wonderful to speak to a friend of mine who also works in the industry and hear that he had sentiments that equaled mine. He ensured that I feel somewhat more normal than I did before. Racing may be foreign to my school based friends, but to my friends across the racing industry it is everything. And everything because we love it. He told me that he couldn't go two weeks without them and that the day after he graduated high school he was at track work. That is exactly what will happen to me this time next year when I graduate. I will be up bright and early the next morning at track work doing something I enjoy. He couldn't imagine not being around the racers and frankly, neither can I.
You have no idea how amazing it was to hear that. For such a long time I've been made to feel weird. On some level I've always known that the strappers and riders are in it for love, but to hear someone so close to my age voice it was something else entirely. We live and breathe it. We cannot walk away. We got hooked in every sense of the word.
And as such, I am quite unable to put up with school. It bores me to tears. Especially with coursework winding to a close and revision becoming the mandate I cope less and less. You either give me direction or let me idle. Obviously, I will choose to idle, so the ball is definitely in the court of everyone else. As far as I'm concerned the sooner exams roll around the better. But of course, just before I start exams I'll start roaccutane. The closer I get to that time, the more I start to wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But right or wrong its the only option I have left. I'm not doing another fourteen years of acne, that's insane. I couldn't do it. That might actually be the last straw. So right of wrong, I'm going to go through with this one and hopefully stick it out to the end provided the side effects don't get my first.
And of course, there are no guarantees in life. Why should there be? Life is its own comical genius, toying with us at its leisure. Torturing the seemingly strong. Straying the good from their paths. Causing chaos as it pleases. A stage perfectly prepared for disaster. So what is one more life lost.
- Sky
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