Confessions pt1

Confession #1: I have found a better tool for cutting.

Confession #2: I am addicted to cutting.

Confession #3: I feel that every time I get close to Mum I manage to fuck it up.

Confession #4: I feel that every time I get close to people they end up leaving.

Confession #5: I actually enjoy cutting.

Confession #6: I'm somewhere between thinking I'm "fat" and knowing that my brain is shit talking, again.

Confession #7: I'm scared because I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I don't know whether it will be life changing or minute. And that scares me because I'm so sick of life changing surprise, that inevitably threaten to kill me one way or another, that I could just go ahead and do it myself to save everyone the slow, long, painful elongated process.

Confession #8: I don't know who I am anymore or where I stand with anyone.

Confession #9: I don't even know why I'm writing this.

Confession #10: I don't like it when you talk to people about the monumental things in your life that are killing you on the inside and they say nothing.

I'm sure there will be more to come in later posts. I'm feeling quite tired and spent right now and everything is just a little bit fuzzy and I'd kill for a holiday, but you know, I go to school and even though I just did exams, there is absolutely no chance of that, which is just far too high and expectation and very, very cruel and I'm very upset and I don't think I can cop another two weeks of school with their expectations of work ethic and high standard of work because I can't be bothered and I don't care anymore I just want to sleep and pretend that the real world doesn't exist anymore because I can't be bothered partaking in it any longer because it's all a bunch of painful experiences that I haven't learnt much, if anything, from and if I am learning anything it's to treat life and the people in it with absolute contempt and I'm fairly sure that that is not the lesson life should be teaching me but there you go, life's just a bitch like that and I feel like I get to say that because for as long as I can remember it's done nothing good to me, everything I had turned to shit and I have no doubt that the things I have now will turn to shit if they're not already crumbling at the present time and if they are and I haven't noticed yet, then I'm realising that I'm actually a really stupid person and stupidity will kill me in the end, if the doctors and their drugs don't get me first or I don't get me first not that I'm contemplating that, or am I, because I really don't know, I don't know what I want or where I'm going or how things went downhill so badly or why all this is happening and it really doesn't help to know that no one can give me on good god damned reason that explains all of this, everyone's just so wishy washy and let me tell you right now that being wishy washy with me is not helping my mental state, especially when each fucking day brings me that little bit closer to self destruction because I swear to god if they find one more thing wrong with me I might actually explode and no one wants that, you may think you do if you're one of those people who hate me, but rest assured this may actually happen and while on the subject of people who hate me: I don't care, so fuck you and fuck all your mates, I'm not interested in your bullshit, so go play your games with people who care because I don't have time for your crap in my life at the moment when it's so chock full of everyone else's shit on top of mine and it's really, really hard to deal with all this and I don't even know what I'm going to do about anything anymore because my thought processes have become that retarded that they're just not helping me out at all and I don't understand why I couldn't have just been a normal person whose biggest problem is that my nail just chipped, because if that was my biggest problem, then I would be loving life and possibly worshiping it, but in my current state I have nothing but contempt for this hazardous construction they like to call a life.

I feel like you deserve a prize for reading that paragraph, because right now I'm not game to read it, especially because it's just a stream of nonsensical thought that just came gushing out as I started explaining that there would be more confessions.

You're not getting a prize. But if you want a high five, I can do that. Or I could organise some virtual cookies. I don't know. I'm getting severely off track here.

I think this whole post has been a severe waste of time, I mean, it started out with the best possible intentions but then WHAM and the whole thing is just... wow.

But rather than delete all this I'm going to post it anyway, so if you're still reading my crap right now at this sentence, then congratulations, but you're not getting a prize.

- Sky