I sometimes wonder what happened to us and how I suddenly became so unimportant to you.
I know that message I sent was rude, but I feel it was justified and everyday I die a little more inside when I see you haven't responded. I want to believe that you just don't have the time, but there's a tiny, tiny, part of me that won't stop doubting.
And so I've drawn the conclusion that you, like everyone else, have gotten sick of me and moved on without so much as a goodbye.
I always enjoyed our 4am conversations. It's funny how open we can become. I was secretly overjoyed when you apologised for treating my like shit. I secretly loved that you cared and asked how I was day in and day out. I adore your patience and wish I could tolerate people the way you do.
You know more about me, the real me, than anyone else in this world. In a way, I think love you like a brother and I'm sorry I don't have the courage to say that to your face. My nights are empty without our conversations and it's taken losing you to realise just what I had.
What did I have? I had a real friend, a best friend. I've thought I've had best friends in the past, but I've never had a friend like you. I'm almost quite certain that I will never have a friend who'll mane what you did, and still do to me.
I'm very sorry for the way I've treated you at times. Upon reflection, I think the best way to describe my actions and words at times, is to label them as bitchy. Because that is precisely what they were. I feel like I'm about to try and justify my behaviour, but what I'm really trying to do is help you understand why. Sometimes, I just don't know how to be nice. I don't know how to be nice in the same way I struggle to accept a compliment. I learn, like everyone else, from other people. For a fair portion of my life, I was treated with contempt, and thus my immediate reaction, or defence, when I'm not sure how to act, is to out out with contempt. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for each of the times I've treated you with contempt.
I miss you more than words will ever be able to describe. It saddens me that we've grown apart. I just can't seem to move on, Moving on is letting go, and believe me, I am far from ready to do just that.
I wish I'd seized the opportunities to tell you that I care and that you were/are important to me, bust as they say - it's no use crying over spilt milk. What's done is done and apparently that opportunity has long passed. I am ashamed to say that my fear of rejection has stopped me from making further contact. However, my fear does not change my feelings and perhaps one day I will find it in me to try again - and who knows, you may just find yourself reading this letter.
My desire to respond to the division between us with anger has long since passed and i now quietly mourn and regret it. So I have the following to say:
I hope you are happy. I cannot express that hope enough. If you're not happy, I hope you find a way to achieve happiness. I hope you achieve your goals and reach your dreams. I hope you marry the love of your life and meet incredible people along the way. I hope that you'll look upon our friendship fondly and remember me kindly. I hope that you're doing okay and that you are okay.
I know I showed you the deep dark world of mental illness and I know you once worried a lot, perhaps you still do. But it's okay now, you won't have to worry anymore. I won't put you through anymore pain like that.
I really hope you are okay and that you are happy. I do really miss you and will probably continue to do so for quite a time yet. I will always think of you fondly and remember our friendship kindly. Though, I'm not sure whether to accept that it is over or believe that there is still hope.
I am, in all honesty, unsure how to end this. I have no parting advice, or happy memory. I can only say that I miss you that one day I hope we can be close once more.
- Sky
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