Day One: Term Two
Weight: 69kg
Oh look, there's that weight thing again. I'm telling you I am freaking obsessed. I got to 72kg midway through the holidays and I think it's needless to say that I was absolutely mortified. But clearly its been rectified and thus I am feeling much better about this.
I am however, not feeling much better about my relationship with the medical world. Obviously the various heart and lung related tests revealed nothing sinister (except my soft heart murmur LOL). So, today the cardiologist decided that we should re-run the bloods and do a lung scan and then repeat in six months to make sure the pressures aren't changing. And of course between this six months there is at least one more trip back to see him. And, and, it doesn't even end there - because the previous set of bloods revealed that my kidney function was abnormal. YAY! And this is really, really exciting because Mum tells me that I had kidney issues when I was two. So you know, now it's a whole new set of bloods, a new test and a new scan. Oh, and a new specialist. Jesus fucking Christ. This all better make sense one day.
I've been quiet over the holidays, as I have no doubt you've noticed, and it's not because I don't care it's more that I just wasn't really home to write. But I am now, thanks to school, so never fear, my nonsensical ramblings have returned.
Mum has stopped talking to her Mum, for various reasons I now understand. I didn't think she would tell me and she said she probably shouldn't have, but why shouldn't I know what my family is like? How dare my Grandma have dinner with that "bitch" who cut Mum off for reasons I don't pretend to understand. The bottom line is, they weren't there for Mum when the bitch had her fit, so she's decided enough is enough and that she will not be having anything to do with any of them any longer.
Which is cool, I guess. Well not cool as in awesome, cool as in whatever. I should care, but I don't think it will make a huge difference to my life. We haven't associated with said bitch for years and Mum will just have time do more work without having to rush to their doctors appointments, or help them fill out forms.
No judgement here.
I'm also facing losing Toby. Although I am quite optimistic about my chances of buying him when he retires. Toby has elected to race poorly, despite being spoilt rotten, and in racing a no talent horse is just not worth having around. But he is very cute and he loves me dearly (just as I love him), so I'm not prepared to lose him the way I lost Justice - because whether you recognise this or not I still miss that horse and didn't bond with a horse the way I had with Justice until I got my favourite reject Toby. Like Justice, he gets narky when I leave, narky when I talk to Snowy (who is his neighbour and not his friend) and narky when I don't pay him any attention. He loves cuddles when no one is looking, he loves it when I give him attention and brush his face, he loves it when I take him out on Sundays and he loves it when I take him to the races. He also loves it when you pull his ears.
I'm not ready to say goodbye. I need him to race well next time. What will I do when he doesn't hang over the yard fence waiting for me to come get him, even though I'm meant to be taking another horse. It's funny how one insignificant horse can keep me in touch with reality, long after I've decided I no longer want to partake in it.
I house hopped for the most part of my holidays and I realised something. I realised that I was correct about school and my home life being the core of my issues. Once away from home and school my stress and bad feelings alleviated and I felt better, things made more sense, I became untouchable. And I liked it. Happy times are hard to come by and a found some. And lost them again just like that. But I had them and I know how to get them, where to find them. And I want them back. It's torture knowing, but being unable to grasp. The holidays, for me, were a whole different world. Far away from the places and people who made things hard. I slept, I saw the horses, I went to the races and reconnected with old friends. I even started playing netball again, despite the cost to my knees. It's worth it, I think.
For now, George the butterfly keeps me safe from cuts. It's comforting to see him there, watching me, making sure I don't go down that stupid, scary path. But for how long George will keep me safe, I don't know. Lets all hope its for a long while to come.
- Sky
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